UTAH'S SPECIAL DAYS
OF CELEBRATION AND OBSERVANCE
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Run the Californians Out of Utah Day
High taxes, inadequate highways, low wages, drug traffic, rape, robbery, apostasy and Sunday shopping.
It's all the fault of the twenty-seven people who moved here from California last year.
High Moral Standards Day
This is Utah's opportunity to tell the world who we are and what we stand for.
This year's speaker will be the current Chairman of the Salt Lake City 2002 Winter Olympic Scholarship Gift & Bribery Committee.
Polygamy Definition Day
A day dedicated to the education of the general public as to the differences between Bigamy, Polygamy, Polyandry,
Plural Marriage and Shacking Up.
Separation of Church and State Week
This is sometimes called the "BLURRING OF THE LINE CELEBRATION".
It is observed during the week following the general election.
Traffic Barrel Day
The State of Utah owns or leases more traffic barrels and cones per capita than any
other state. Sometimes miles and miles of them are placed on the highways for no apparent reason.
When questioned about this, the Director of The Utah Department of Transportation,
replied, "We don't have room to store them all.. and everything's got to be someplace."
Why Can't We All Just Get Along Day
This is a special day celebrated mostly by the people who write letters to the editor. There are no problems
that can't be solved by everybody just being good to one another. Traffic accidents, swindles, political corruption,
spite fences and social disease will all disappear if we could just learn to get along.
First Day of Deer Season Day
The deer hunting season begins in mid-October. On that day all boy children go out into the woods
with their fathers for male bonding. So as to not report high absenteeism, the schools are closed
and the teachers pretend to go to a conference.
Halloween Outdoor Decoration Day
October 1st is the unofficial start date for this annual rite. Neighborhood
competition runs high and it has been known to provoke acts of violence.
Many of these yard decorations have been designed to convert quickly to Christmas displays.
Traffic Signal Aversion Week
This celebration grew out of the "Down With the Obstacles to Freedom" movement of the 1960's.
Most all state and local agencies are firmly opposed to the purchase, installation or maintenance of traffic signals.
Ordinary Utah citizens generally ignore them.
Jello, Katsup, Mayonnaise and Marshmallow Month
Speakers at this years' celebration will ponder the question,
"Why does Utah have the highest per capita consumption of all this stuff,
and is it connected in some kinky way to our highest in the nation birthrate?"
"For The Children" Day
In Utah there appears to be 9.3 times as many children under the age of 12 as there are adults.
For this reason, "For The Children Day" is observed three hundred and sixty-five days a year.
The event is marked by unconcerned parents allowing their screaming offspring to run amok in theatres, restaurants and shopping malls.
Utah Liquor Law Day
On this day, The Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission reports the profits from the operation of the state liquor stores.
The state legislators also meet on this day to propose new restrictions and regulations that are designed to confuse and befuddle without disturbing
the huge profits. The date of this meeting coincides with observance of Separation of Church and State Week.
(see Utah's Unique and Curious Liquor Laws)
The Great Salt Lake Beautification Effort Day
The last time this celebration was scheduled was 1964. The event was to have been held on the south shore of the lake, but no one showed up.
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